Misunderstandings

I cannot stand it anymore. I’m weak! I lost! I thought I wouldn’t care what others commented about my relationship with Kelvin but NO! I was lying to myself. I care about what others say about us. I cared so much. Kelvin didn’t reply me again last night. I messaged so much and thought if he is not replying again, did this mean he is sleeping already? I called him before 12AM. I was already lying on my bed. I tried calling him and surprisingly he answered but after I said hello, he cut my call. I told myself “Li Ting, forget about this guy. He didn’t care for you anymore. He is not replying you and now he is cutting your call.”

I was still thinking about it, about the reasons why he didn’t reply me and why he cut my call when he called me saying his phone battery’s problem and asked “Why call?” This question sounded so new to me. He never asked this way. So I told him “Why you didn’t reply me?” He said he didn’t receive my message at all. So I told myself “Alright, Li Ting, forget about it. It is not Kelvin’s wrong. It is the signal problem. Don’t blame him.” He asked what happened to me I just say nothing happened. It is just that I was thinking why he didn’t reply me but now it is because of the signal problem, it is alright. I am alright. Then he was like “Okay. Go sleep then. Goodnight. Sweet dreams.”

I don’t like this phrase. Not at all! I was thinking so hard but I don’t know what I was thinking. It is blank in my mind but I was thinking. I thought of telling him how I feel via SMS then I think I better not because he won’t be replying. I then think I better sleep. Don’t think so much and sleep! I couldn’t do so. I can’t stand it. I want him to know how I feel all these days waiting for a no-reply SMS. It is not because of I wanted to SMS so much. I just think it is of no point if we message a person who doesn’t reply us. I called him again. I told him.

 
I know I shouldn’t show him this attitude before he sleeps but I really can’t stand it. I was disappointed! I still remember how much he wanted to meet me, how much he wanted to talk to me, how much he wanted to drive me when he just know me. I can hear, I can see and I can feel how excited he was. It is so different now! It seemed to me like he is no longer the Kelvin I knew. Why? Why is he so different now? Can we really make it? It is less than a month! I don’t want things to end like this. I love him. I really do. It hurts me so much. I suddenly feel like all these while I’m lying to myself. People have been asking why Kelvin is not driving me these days. I told them he has class, different time with me today. But now it is very clear that he DIDN’T PLAN to do so. He didn’t want to fetch me because he didn’t want to, not because he has classes at 8AM or because he is busy. If things like fetching me is like this, what about the messages and calls? He didn’t call me everyday like he used to be. I was the one who called him every day. Is this because he didn’t want to talk to me too?

Why do things turned out this way? I never expect things like this. I’m sad! I’m depressed. I didn’t message him in the morning when I wake up. Now, it is me. I DON’T PLAN to message him. He called while I was showering. When I called back, his phone is off. I don’t know why it is like that. I then received message from him telling “I fetch you” it is not “Good morning honey”. I waited until 6.45AM. He is not here yet. I thought he might not come anymore and so I decided to go to the campus myself because if I don’t go out that time I’ll be late. I tried calling him to confirm with him if he is coming. His phone is off again! So I messaged telling “I think you really don’t have to come. I’ll go myself. It is late.” I walked out of home slowly, thinking if I should wait just a little more. I then told Joanne “Actually he said he will come fetch us today. Should we wait or go ourselves?” 

As usual, she didn’t answer so I decided to go ourselves. Arrived at the junction where I got to cross the road, Kelvin’s car stopped. He apologized once we open the door. We didn’t talk much in the car. Both of us kept quiet. He looked sleepy. I asked him if he slept late last night. He said he slept once I hung up the call. He felt sick that was why he didn’t fetch me these days because he wanted to sleep longer. OMG! I didn’t know about this but is this true? I don’t know if I should still trust him. Arrived to campus, Joanne got down and I was still in the car telling him goodbye. He looked so down. I kissed him on his lips. It felt so different as if he didn’t want my kiss anymore. I asked him “You don’t want?” He said “No, I want!” I hesitated but we kissed again. I stopped him and asked “Do you really love me?” He looked a little angry saying “Stupid question.” I can feel my tears filling my eyes. I didn’t know why it is like that. I’m afraid the tears will drop because whenever it comes to relations, I am not tough at all! I hate dropping tears in front of people. Not even my parents or my brother. I don’t like people to see my sad face. That was why I always try my best to smile to people. 

I quickly opened the door and I told him “I won’t be messaging you. You message me when you’re free. If you’re busy, then forget about it. Do your things. You don’t have to message because I don’t want to wait for a no-reply message.” Finished saying these words, I closed the door without listening to his reply and walked off. I walked so slowly behind Joanne. I’m afraid she’ll see me with my wet eyes. I pretended I am alright in the class. Some people asked why I look different this morning. I told them I’m not fully awake yet. They laughed. I then received message from Kelvin. He asked “Why are you like that suddenly?” I told him it is not suddenly. I really don’t want things to turn out this way. He then replied so fast like he got no class. It has been long since he last did this, messaging in the class and replying so fast.

I suddenly received reply from him and it felt so weird. He can’t receive my replies. I didn’t know why. I don’t know what I should do. He kept asking why I am not replying him. At first he was like “Hmmm… Up to you then.” This sounded like he didn’t care at all whether I will reply or not. Later, he messaged again “Honey, please. Don’t treat me like this. I’m suffering.” I feel so bad and it was like a sore reading the message. I don’t want him to suffer. I didn’t plan not to reply him. I always reply him. In fact, I always reply him once I receive his message! He then called me. I was in the class. Rehulina’s class, I won’t dare to answer the phone because I was sitting right in front of the lecturer. I cut his call. He messaged again telling “Why you cut my call? You don’t want to talk to me anymore?”

I was like NO! NO! NO! I wanted to talk to you so much! He called again and this time I let it vibrate in my bag. He messaged again telling “No reply. You cut my call and now you are not answering my call. You really don’t want to talk to me?” I feel so bad. Why is the signal so bad these days? Now I understand it was all misunderstanding. I shouldn’t put the blame on him even though he is busy. I should understand more. I called him once my class ended but my call got cut again because of his phone. When he calls back, my phone was auto-off because there isn’t battery left. I quickly changed the SIM card into my china mobile but this phone, too, low battery! What a bad day!

At last I managed to talk to him, explaining why I didn’t answer his call and all. Soon after the call, he received all my messages and said we should stop messaging for the moment because both my phones have already ran out of battery and his phone battery sucks. He ended the message by telling how much he missed me and he loves me. On the way home, I met him in FK. He said he’ll send me home. He told me he was having backache and that he wanted to rest so much. After Joanne got down from the car, I quickly placed my palm onto his forehead checking if he is having fever. At the same time, I’m blaming myself. Blaming on how stupid I am to think I shouldn’t trust him anymore. Blaming on how dumb I am not to have confident on the guy I love. We chatted and said sorry to each other in the car.

Since then he has been sleeping the whole day. He messaged when he wakes up. The messages woke me up. The way he texted, it sounded like he was so tired but yet, he replied me. I didn’t blame him this time although all his messages were just “Yea…” one word. Only one word in his message sent to me. I didn’t know what to tell him. I kept reminding him to drink more, rest more and take medicine. I really hope he can recover faster. I don’t want him to be sick. I don’t want him to be sad. 

I was online and chatted with Teik Ming about us. Teik Ming only got to know I have a boyfriend today and he told me not to lose to people who commented about us because Li Ting is not a loser. She only wants to WIN. He, in fact, supported me and he didn’t feel shock at all hearing Kelvin is an Indonesian. Speaking of that, he is the one and only friend of mine, so far, not feeling surprised or shocked hearing about it. He said there is no barrier between nationalities as long as the guy treats me good. He reminded me to find him if I have problems in my relation and that he’ll be there to back me up. I never thought Teik Ming is such a nice friend because he always teases me but not this time. I guess he knew I’m going serious with Kelvin. 

I’m so sorry. I feel so sorry to Kelvin. I shouldn’t bring things up again and again and make him sad. I’m deeply sorry.